What follows was sent to me by someone who wishes to remain anonymous, and so, starting in alphabetical order, I am naming them Angelo, if for no other reason than that was the first “A” name that popped into my head. The name of the next anonymous contributor will begin with the letter “B”.
As always, I have not edited the below in any way other than for formatting purposes. The headings and images were added by me afterward.
Warning: The following contains references to death and suicide, and as such may be disturbing to some people. It is a real and candid look inside the life of a person suffering from the effects of Chronic Quinoline Encephalopathy, also known as quinism.
Discretion is advised.
Health Journal Entries
From 14 June 2019 to 21 June 2019 I somehow fell into a state of diminished capacity. Heavy depression, more than what has now became common or normal for me, as well as very heavy mental fog and loss of cognitive ability had occurred.
As well and an increase of the numerous neurological issues I often have, e.g. severe headaches, light sensitivity, confusion, irritability, aggression, feelings of impending doom and wanting to be dead as soon as possible- suicidality, indescribable unusual tastes and smells, most notably a sorts of metallic taste in my mouth and bouts of dry mouth. As well as an increase of the numbness and tingling in my hands and feet and an increase in electric shock sensations in my flesh.
Severe fatigue, even after a full 8 hours of sleep or after 2 hours of being awake after forcing myself to sleep 8 hours. Which I did manage to do more or less on 2 occasions during this 8 day period. Although this entailed waking up after 4 or 5 hours and then forcing myself to lay back down in order to try and get more sleep.
The fatigue included almost narcolepsy type events of falling asleep or passing out while sitting up as well as at the wheel when driving and being unable to keep my truck straight or off the shoulder of the road. As well as periodic bouts of nausea out of nowhere and without any probable cause. This slowly started during the week prior to 14 June 2019.
However, by 14 June all of the aforementioned symptoms became an absolute constant and utterly unmanage able with myself sitting on the couch were I sleep at my computer in confusion and fuming with anger and rage in silence not talking to anybody as I looked at educational videos and put on music real quiet in order to escape or distract myself from things.
By the 19th of June things would worsen to a highly dangerous point of myself listening to music about suicide like Pantera’s “Suicide Note, Pt.1” and researching online the most effective method of killing one’s self as well as anatomy of arteries as well as methods of destroying or incapacitating the human brain.
On Wednesday 19 June I had become clearly suicidal. Something snapped. And I had committed myself to committing suicide. And I came up with a suicide plan within 15 minutes and was making ready to execute it. All of the other aforementioned symptoms were present and persisting greatly. With an unusual feeling like my brain was squirming inside my skull. I was in a profound state of anger and rage.
I quickly concocted a suicide plan to kill myself at the little fishpond where I live at while sitting on the little bench on the bank with the picture-perfect tree beside that overlooks all of the pretty farms and rolling fields. I had decided that I would park my car by the tree and fence with the truck facing the farm fields, which would be the direction I would be facing for my last vision.
And within the car I would have a suicide note basically stating, “No hard feelings” for my daughter. As well as a printed out version of a lengthy incendiary and angry suicide note that I had intended to draft and copy and paste into my personal Facebook page, a group, and email it to my doctor, my lawyers, a news reporter, a couple of acquaintances, and my ex-wives with my full and expressed permission to disseminate it as they see fit.
I had decided that I was going to put on my full dress blues and steal my friends .22 caliber automatic pistol and put a bullet in my brain on the day of the 4th of July 2019 while sitting on the bench overlooking the picturesque farm fields at the fishpond.
These extraordinarily strong thoughts and ideations continued on the entire day and was witnessed by my second ex-wife in purposefully vague Facebook messages. Of which, I did my best to conceal these feelings and this plan so as to not be stopped. The intent was to keep this an utter secret because I was that strongly determined to have a completed and successful suicide.
However, much to my surprise this feeling of suicide and the feelings of righteousness and peace in it were so strong and overwhelming that I couldn’t contain it. So, I made purposefully vague mentions of things pertaining to it to the second ex-wife in an attempt to vent it some and prevent this overwhelming feeling of this being a completely righteous and this being a good thing from being spilled out publicly into Facebook page or any groups.
She could see the veiled notions and ideations and I lied to her when she would probe me for what is exactly going to happen after the 4th of July. And I told her that I was going to go into a homeless shelter on the 5th and that the 4th would be my last day where I’m at.
And I would attempt change the subject as best as I could with these strong joyous and overwhelming feelings by talking about the father’s day / birthday cake my daughter was wanting to make me. Which I wanted to have in order to give my daughter one last good memory of me to hopefully help her deal with the news of me having killed myself.
I also wanted to have this cake and eat as much of it as I could stomach to celebrate the right thing finally occurring and getting done, being my own death. I looked at it strongly as a sorts of graduation celebration or like how a person might celebrate getting a new job or car.
I spent the remainder of the night (hours) researching .22 caliber gunshots to the head and heart, suicide deaths by .22 caliber firearms, and what part of the skull would be weakest for penetration and best for shot placement. As well as the same for piercing the heart resulting in death as well as location of arteries and veins in the forearms to sever to bring about death by blood loss as a contingent plan.
I would’ve preferred to dry drown myself with helium and a bag over my head and donate my abnormal brain to science to study and examine to hopefully help others afflicted with quinism. But I didn’t want to spend all of that time getting paper work straight for that to occur and have no money for a lawyer. And would be doing good enough on time and money to pay rocketlawyer.com for me to type up, print, and notarize a home done pro per last will & testament for leaving all of my effects and vehicles to my daughter. I felt too much of a sense of urgency on carrying this out. And really, I don’t have anybody around me that would care enough to make sure my body goes to science before it rots.
Thursday, 20 June – Morning
This all continued and increased greatly into Thursday 20 June. I had actually slept pretty good now finally having an answer to my entire life and what I must do with the rest of the train wreck like disaster it had become. I no longer felt like stressing about anything and was thinking about going out and maxing out my credit card on whatever last things I wanted to experience or buy before I euthanize myself.
I was quite happy and content about it. Going towards gleeful. Which is something I learned when I was a ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills and Training) master trainer certified by Living Works of Canada as being the utmost strongest of warning signs that someone who is suicidal means business and is going to carry out their plan.
I was evidently still very clearly suicidal and more so than even the day prior. And so much so in fact that I was opting to forgo the suicide note and all of the other things I was planning on arranging and just hurry up and do it before I changed my mind. I figured I’d cut the mellow drama and trying to make a statement to those who poisoned and forsook me and just get r’ done.
This is also why I did not call a veterans crisis suicide hotline, I had no intention of being stopped or allowing it. And, as I know all too well, nothing can be done anyway apart from some person begging the person not to do it as they dispatch law enforcement to the cell phones location.
And then from that a 24 hour committal hold with the outcome more likely than not resulting in drugs. All of which, I am documented as having an serious adverse reactions with no less than 4 different antidepressants always leading into highly diminished cognitive states, suicidal and homicidal ideations and threats, and one of the times I was on antidepressants, in this case Celxa, I had an amnesiac psychosis event resulting in my arrest and conviction for an armed police stand-off that I do not remember to this very day.
The CYP450 enzyme
In other words, for a person clearly effected by quinism from the highly neurotoxic antimalarial drug mefloquine, which Roche pulled off the market in 2010 and the US Government virtually banned all generic forms of it being used in later 2012, and it’s notorious effects of permanently crippling and disabling the CYP450 enzyme responsible for the metabolization of many drugs and chemicals leading to poisoning and them not being efluxed properly out of the body.
All medication would mean is more chemical torture and suffering like all of the other times before of trusted antidepressant meds. To no avail and dangerous consequences. Spellbound by them like a person driving drunk that is so drunk they don’t think they are drunk that they can’t see how terrible or dangerous they are behaving.
The plan starts to come together
The ex-wife noticed how unusual I was acting in Facebook messenger and almost called a crisis intervention team on my address for a health and welfare check. They tie in with the law enforcement to do well checks, and I knew this. Which is why that it was good that I lied to her and smoothed things over and made her think that there wasn’t really a problem and to stand down from doing that.
Because it was my intent for if local law should show up to frighten them into shooting me, which isn’t very hard to do. Shoving a hand fast and deep into my pocket is more than sufficient for this. Charging at them immediately would also get me killed quickly, no doubt. And that’s what I had in mind to most likely do because I was that much set on completing a successful suicide. And protective of that last mission.
While in this state, and in a diminished cognitive state, in an almost robotic like state, I forced myself to put on dress casual clothes and go enroll with the local temp to hire service. While alone by myself changing my clothes, I proceeded to talk aloud to myself reviewing and perfecting my suicide plan as well as questioning myself as to why I was even bothering going to a temp service for work.
I couldn’t quite understand it. And didn’t have any care to figure out this unusual behavior. Not anymore anyhow. I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly and was just going through the movements of life as I babbled on into the air. Resting on the decision before I went out the door that suicide would most likely take place that very night or the day after because I didn’t want to overthink it or run the chance of anyone stopping me or a change of heart occurring. So, I decided it would be best sooner rather than later and to just do it and forget everything else about it. Just disappear one day and leave it at that and be done with it all. And happy.
All of the previously mentioned symptoms of the past days were present and worse than ever. Including the headaches and feelings that my brain was squirming inside my skull or trailing behind me when I would walk. I felt tired. Like I almost could barely move at some points. Nonetheless, I managed to make it to the temp service and apply on the spot for them.
Filling out their application was labored and difficult. Because of my state it turned out sloppy with several mistakes being made on it that had to be scratched out with an ink pen. But I did what I had left the house to do and on the way back kept nodding off at the wheel again and driving very slowly. It was a little after 3:00PM when I had returned.
Although unusually exhausted, I had noticed that I almost felt better from leaving the house and doing something. So, after sitting around very fatigued for a little bit, I decided that I really didn’t like how things were going with feeling better and told my ex-wife to forget about having cake with my daughter and I proceeded to block my ex-wife from all forms of communications.
Best way I can explain this is that I still wanted to kill myself. And actually, didn’t want that feeling to dissipate. It was a driven and compulsive feeling. And I didn’t want to feel better or my daughter to end up preventing the suicidal feelings or me giving up. Like what she tends to do, spur me on to keep pushing on as what has happened numerous other times.
So, I basically threw my daughter away along with my ex-wife so that I could eliminate reasons for resisting the suicide and just go complete a successful suicide already without hinderance. And prior to that my ex-wife confirmed that my absence would mean nothing to my daughter and that she regretted letting me back into my daughter’s life and felt that it only did her harm. Which was the best thing any person could have said to me to greatly solidify my suicidality and facilitate my mission planning. And shutting the both of them out of my life abruptly before they catch on to anything or get in the way of what I felt I must do helped as well.
17:00 20 June
I sat around in a dazed confused state until after 5PM. And then decided that I would go out and get the usual groceries because I didn’t want to be where I was at or see anybody when they got home. So, I left on my 20-mile one-way trip to get groceries.
As I drove my car poorly, I got frustrated & angry. And went into a rage, and state of remorse over how the only person that really knows me, and my only emotional support channel, is the ex-wife that threw me out into the streets on several occasions. So, I began to look for things to drive my car into in order to kill myself. And couldn’t find anything adequate that was close enough to the side of the road to do the trick.
And I figured that it would be just my luck that I’d have my limbs burned away or severed and remain living and unable to kill myself like the subject person in Metallica’s “One” video. Clips from the 1971 movie “Johnny Got His Gun”. So, I stopped scanning the 20 mile stretch of road for a means to wreck my car and destroy myself with it.
I arrived in town and had a glass bowl that I had promised to give my ex-wife in the days prior. I almost didn’t give it to her. And I almost decided to smash it in the road in front of her house. But I circled the block, feeling dazed and very sick with the neurological symptoms, and I decided to just stop at her house and pull it out of the back of my truck and deliver it to her door kindly.
Generally, I’m afraid of my ex-wife. Sometimes to the point of shaking. Of course, I get this with other people as well. I felt that she may call the police on me for my weird behavior and showing up. However, I had noticed that I had absolutely no fear of anything at all whatsoever about me anymore. And figured that if she called the police on me, I would just make sure they shoot me dead by hurrying up and thrusting my hand deep into my pocket. Which again, isn’t a very hard task to accomplish these days.
But no such thing occurred, and she got her glass bowl and I left in a dazed state and needing to fuel my car. So, I sat in the gas station parking lot blankly staring off into space in a dazed state not really thinking about much of anything apart from how good it’s going to be when I send a bullet through my brain soon. And noticing people looking at me funny as I stared at them.
I almost decided to just say to heck with it and drive home to kill myself. But I thoughtlessly started digging for quarters and change in my Chevy to try and make up $30.00 in order to get me as close to a full tank of gas as possible on what little money I had. And I got gas. I was jumpy and in a state of extreme anxiety by this point. And was missing the medical cannabis that I was taking which did diffuse these situations and neurological events and symptoms. And also made the suicidality subside and stay away as long as I merely had cannabis in my system.
I made it up to the Walmart parking lot across the way and sat there emotionless again. Just staring off into space and mildly pondering through the brain fog of why I was there and why I was even bothering with being there. After sitting for another half hour to 45 minutes I moved my car to a better parking spot and went in to get my groceries.
I got my things and went from isle to isle attempting to ponder and select something pleasant to eat for that night on my usual food stamp purchase. Last thought of suicide was going home and getting a gun while everyone sleeps. And just putting it in my mouth while I sit in my car outside.
Just pull the trigger as everyone sleeps and finally be done with it. And for the first time in 8 days I laughed. I don’t know why I did exactly. But I laughed and apparently thought it was funny for some inexplicable reason. And I thought it would be even more funny if there would be pictures of me as an over 1 year old child in 1979 in a strawberry patch with my mother scattered around my bled out corpse.
And then I started feeling a little better for some inexplicable reason. And stopped caring about committing suicide so much. As I went and got my groceries and finished up with Walmart, I noticed that I felt even better. I then proceeded to another grocery store to get a bag of banana chips and a cut of meat. And when in there noticed that I was feeling even better yet. I was still largely emotionless and emotionally numb. But I wasn’t thinking of committing suicide any longer. And wasn’t dead set on doing it. There was no explicable reason of why I began to pull out of this.
I also noticed that the splitting headaches, the anxiety, and the laundry list of all sorts of neurological issues & other conditions had also dissipated and more or less went away all of a sudden. And I was left with a tired feeling. I got my things and proceeded towards home in a state of complete exhaustion. Once again, I was nodding off at the wheel and was going to sleep while driving and running off the road at some points.
22:00 20 June
I made it to where I live and felt even better. More normal. Although emotionless and numb. It was past 10PM by this point and I had spent over 4 hours out of the house. I commenced to make a dinner for myself. Suddenly, I came down with explosive liquid diarrhea and used the rest room. This occurred twice before I ate and was the first time I’ve had diarrhea like this in a while. Reminded me of the 2004 – 2010 time frames when I had this essentially daily.
Anyhow, I ate. And things were fine and for the first time in over 8 days. For no known reason or cause I felt alright. Apart from having to wake up and use the restroom again after 2 hours of sleep because I almost went on myself from the diarrhea in my sleep. Of which, it seemed as if possibly when I had this diarrhea that I began to actually feel my best and most normal for some reason. Almost like I was purging something out of my system. However, I have absolutely no clue of what that could be. Being that I consumed nothing at all whatsoever that would do that.
Thursday, 21 June
I woke up this morning a felt quite normal. No neurological issues. Apart from being a little emotionally numb still. And not caring about anybody or caring to have anything to do with anybody. Apart from that, I feel fine. And no longer suicidal.
However, one thing I notice now is that my opinion has changed towards suicide. And after this I have adopted the posture that a person with medical issues should have the right to euthanatize themselves. It’s their body and their life and making suicide illegal never stopped anybody.
After this experience I no longer fear death and especially don’t fear suicide. And feel that it is as much of a natural thing as when elderly native peoples did it when the stopped producing and started becoming a burden or consuming more than what they create or produce. And if I do make a clear conscious decision to ever euthanize myself, I have no guilt or remorse in making that decision and do feel that it is a violation of my rights as a human being for someone to stop me.
Only difference with this recent occurrence and situation is I don’t think I was in my right mind or thinking clearly. I suspect a possible ongoing central nervous system event from verified neurological damage from mefloquine.
But, if I felt that I was in fact in my right mind and had fully aware made the conscious and clear decision to end my life due to all of these medical problems, and the future looking bleak from them, I would defend that decision in a respectful manner to do what I want with my own body and my own life and put an end to my suffering and being a consummate burden upon others.
And the more these occurrences like what has happened over the past 8 day period accrue or become frequent, the more I will be slanted to seriously consider and weigh the options of euthanasia. However, at this time I will consider what had happened to be a very long neurological event and not me thinking clearly.
An event with no good answers to it apart from a support channel like a caregiver to keep an eye on me when these events happen. Which right now is unfortunately not an option for me. And may never be.
The only possible answers I see to this is to be very careful speaking up so as to not make matters worse, hang on and try with every fiber of my being to hold on and be resilient and see these events for what they truly are, and try to hurry up and get back onto medical cannabis so as to save my life. And just try to do my best to stay busy with eliminating contributors to suicidality and improve my homeless situation.